Valluvar on Friendship

Valluvar on Friendship

Dr. R. Prabhakaran

 

The Greek Philosopher Aristotle (384 BC – 322 BC) says, “Man is a social animal.  He who lives without society is either a beast or God”.  Recent research in animal behavior reveals that some species of animals are capable of developing friendships.  Specifically, zoologists have observed that giraffes, elephants, deer, chimpanzees, dolphins, bats, and a few other animals have the capability to develop some form of friendship.  If this fact was known during the days of Aristotle, he might have said, “Man is a social animal.  He who lives without a society should learn to develop friendships with other human beings like some of his animal counterparts.” Human society is made up of individual human beings who depend on it for their survival, growth, and development.  The documented case histories of children brought up in isolation by animals prove that they lack the ability to function as human beings.  The bilateral and mutually dependent relationship between society and human beings is similar to the relationship between the cells in the human body and the human body itself.  In the course of life, human beings interact with their parents, family member, and other human beings.   As a result of these interactions, when an individual develops a close relationship and mutual affection with one or more people, then he is said to have developed a friendship with them.

 

The concept of friendship has received the attention of philosophers since the days of the Greek philosopher Plato (428/427 BC – 348/347 BC).  Among the western philosophers who scrutinized friendship, the prominent ones are Plato, Aristotle, Marcus Tullius Cicero (106 BC – 43 BC), Michel Eyquem de Montaigne (1533 – 1592), and Sir Francis Bacon (1561 – 1626).   Plato discusses the nature of friendship in his dialogue, the Lysis.  In this dialogue, Plato attempts to convey Socrates’ idea of friendship.  Plato’s student, Aristotle, has clearly enunciated his views on friendship in Books VIII and IX of his Nicomachean Ethics.  According to Aristotle, there are three kinds of friendships: friendships of pleasure, utility, and of virtue.  People engage in the friendship of pleasure because of the pleasure it brings to them.  The friendship of utility is the one where people are friends because of the advantages they gain by being friends.  The friendship of virtue is based on the moral and intellectual qualities of the friends.  Of these three kinds of friendships, the friendships of pleasure and utility are considered as incidental and are easily terminated when the pleasure or utility ceases to exist.  The friendship of virtue is considered to be the best because it is the friendship between people who are intrinsically good, and such friendship is considered by Aristotle as lasting and complete.  The Roman philosopher and orator Cicero considers friendship as the greatest gift bestowed upon mankind by the gods, with the only exception being wisdom.  He is of the opinion that only good men are capable of being good friends and that the friendship of the virtuous is desirable for its own sake.  One of the influential writers of the French Renaissance, Montaigne, is of the opinion that friendship between two men is the pinnacle of love.  He is also of the opinion that friendship is the mixing of two souls as one soul in two bodies.  For him, real friendship is a rarity.   The English philosopher, statesman, and author Francis Bacon agrees with Aristotle that anyone who is delighted in solitude is either a beast or a god.  To him, friendship is useful to lighten one’s heart by revealing pent-up feelings and emotions.  Apart from this therapeutic value, friendship is also useful for attaining mental clarity.   Bacon contends that many things can be fulfilled only with the help of a friend, and therefore, friendship is essential for everyone.  In fact, according to him, if a man does not have a friend, he may as well leave this world.

 

Like the western philosophers mentioned above, Valluvar has also written extensively on friendship.  Although his ideas bear some resemblance to those of Aristotle, his treatment of the subject of friendship is much more thorough and comprehensive than that of Aristotle and others.  Valluvar considers love as the quintessence of life.  If love is missing in one’s life, then he is nothing but a frame of bones covered with skin (kural – 80).   Love begets affection in one’s heart, and affection begets the immeasurable excellence of friendship (kural – 74).  Since love is the quintessence of life, it follows that human beings are quite capable of developing friendships, and many people do consider friendship as an important aspect of their life.   Valluvar covers friendship from the point of view of an ordinary individual as well as that of a king (or leader of a nation).  He has described his ideas regarding friendship in more than seventy kurals.   He discusses the value of good friendship, the dangers of evil friendship, the friendship that is to be avoided, the critical importance of diligence in developing friendship, the advantages of befriending great men, and the need to avoid association with evil men.  His philosophic yet pragmatic approach to friendship is indeed amazing.

 

The importance and nature of good friendship

What Valluvar considers a good friendship is very similar to Aristotle’s concept of the friendship of virtue.  As Aristotle observed, man is a social animal, and as such, he needs interaction with other members of society.  In the initial stages, he develops casual acquaintances.  If there are common values and mutual bonds, then over the course of time, the acquaintances turn into friendships.  Valluvar considers that although developing good and intimate friendships is difficult, it is still worth doing it.  There is nothing like a good and intimate friendship that can offer protection and support for one’s efforts.

           

Is there anything that is more difficult than developing a good and intimate friendship? 

Is there anything that can offer more protection and support for one’s activities than

such a friendship?                                                                                                        (kural – 781)

 

Of course, the answer to both the questions raised in kural 781 is in negative.  Valluvar contends that a good and intimate friendship will continue to grow and become stronger.  He compares such a friendship to a waxing moon and a great book.  These comparisons are very illustrative and informative to understand and appreciate Valluvar’s ideas about the nature of good and intimate friendship.  At the time of the new moon, the moon is invisible.  Then, during the ensuing days, it is increasingly more and more visible and eventually becomes the full moon.  According to Valluvar, good and intimate friendship among men of good character is like the waxing moon, and the friendship among fools deteriorates like a waning moon.  Of course, the waxing moon begins to wane after the full moon.  But, like all metaphors, this comparison should not be taken literally.  In addition to comparing good friendship to a waxing moon, Valluvar also compares the good and intimate friendship among men of good character to a great book.  Every time one reads a great book, one appreciates the value of that great book and gets more insight.  So also, the good and intimate friendship among men of character grows stronger.  The kurals describing these comparisons are as follows:

 

The friendship of worthy men is like the waxing moon, and the friendship

of the fools is like the waning moon.                                                                       (kural – 782)

Every time one studies a great book, one appreciates its beauty and

value of that great book.  So also is the noble friendship among good men.           (kural – 783)

 

The real purpose of true friendship is also to provide unconditional and sincere help.  Valluvar uses an interesting analogy to illustrate the unconditional help provided as a result of true friendship.  If an individual’s garment slips and he is about to be subject to indecent exposure, then the individual’s hand grabs his garment instantaneously.  In this action, the individual does not consider the various options and weigh the pros and cons of each option.  His immediate and almost unconscious instantaneous reaction to the situation is to grab the slipping garment so that he will not be exposed.

 

Like a hand that goes to the rescue when a garment slips, providing spontaneous

help to a friend when he faces adversity is true friendship.                                      (kural – 788)

 

The Greek historian Plutarch (45 AD – 120 AD) says, “I don’t need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better.”   In other words, a true friendship does not imply total agreement on everything.  A true friend should take the liberty to offer criticism and good guidance when needed.  Valluvar goes one step further and says that a true friend should even be ready to share the sufferings and misfortunes of his friend.

            True friendship keeps one away from the wrong path, guides one in the right direction,

             and, if necessary, shares misfortune.                                                                        (kural – 787)

 

These ideas of Valluvar are not impractical. There are references in history depicting extraordinary friendship among two or more people helping one another and even sharing their misfortunes.  For example, the Greek legend about Damon and Pythias is well known for true friendship, where one of them volunteers to sacrifice his life for his friend (see Appendix - A).

One would wonder whether intimate and frequent contact is essential for developing and sustaining friendships among two are more people.  Valluvar is of the opinion that frequent meetings and constant companionships are not necessary to maintain a true friendship.  What is really needed is that there should be mutual understanding and love for each other. 

Mutual understanding and identity of feelings alone count for close friendship,

for which constant companionship and interactions are not really necessary.         (kural – 785)

 

It is interesting to note that these days people develop and maintain friendships through correspondence and social media without really having frequent meetings and companionship. The friendship between the Tamil King Koperunchozhan and the poet Picir Anthaiyaar is an excellent example of a deep and true friendship where the friends never met each other (see Appendix – B).

The types of evil friendships to be avoided

In the course of life, one comes across many people, and some of them are found to be compatible with mutual interests.  Then, as a result of further interactions, acquaintances become friends. Sometimes, people do not take time to analyze the character and behavior patterns of the people they come across, and they develop friendships without sufficient investigation.  As the friendship develops, they begin to understand more and more about their friends.  Some of these friendships may turn out to be what Aristotle considers a friendship of pleasure or friendship of utility.  Valluvar considers the friendship of pleasure as well as the friendship of utility as evil friendships. In addition to these two kinds of friendships, there is also another kind of friendship that Valluvar considers evil.  That is the friendship with people who are undependable.  This phenomenon of friends being undependable is not new. Throughout the ages, there have been several instances of infidelity, betrayal, and other disgraceful acts under the guise of friendship.  In addition to the above mentioned three types of friendship, Valluvar is also not in favor of friendship with fools, people who create problems, and people who do not possess good character. In all these cases, Valluvar’s advice is to discontinue such friendships.

 

Friendship of Pleasure: According to Valluvar, the purpose of true friendship is not for mutual entertainment and pleasant companionship.  Superficial smiles and merry making are not the objectives of true friendship.

Friendship does not simply mean a smiling face. More than a mere smiling face,

true friendship offers real delight to the heart of the friends.                                  (kural – 786)

Friendship is not for pleasant laughter alone; it is to step forward and provide

criticism and correct a friend for his transgressions.                                                 (kural – 784)

What comes from the enemies is a hundred - million times better than what comes

from the friendship of those who are interested only in merry-making and laughter.  (kural – 817)

 

 Friendship of utility: As Aristotle points out, there are some people who are friends for the sake of utility.  They want to be friends with others only for the sake of the benefits they obtain or expect to obtain from their friends.  In these cases, Valluvar advises that it is not really worth it to continue such friendships.

What does it matter if one keeps or loses the friendship of those who are friendly

when there is something to gain and desert when there is nothing to gain?           (kural – 812)

People who calculate how much they can gain from a friendship are like

prostitutes and thieves.                                                                                              (kural – 813)

 

Friendship of undependable people:  According to Valluvar, friends should help each other under all circumstances.  To emphasize the importance of dependability among friends, Valluvar says, “Friendship may be said to be on its throne when it possesses the power of supporting one at all times under all circumstances in life (kural – 789). “However, there are people who are not very dependable.  They will desert their friends when their friends are undergoing adverse situations in life and they cannot be counted upon for any help. Valluvar compares such people to a horse that deserts its rider at a critical time on a battlefield. It is better to be alone than to be in their company.  There are people whose deeds do not match their words. They are likely to promise more than what they can deliver. In a sense, these people are also not really reliable, and they are hypocrites.  Valluvar is of the opinion that friendships with undependable people should be discontinued.

 

Solitude is more desirable than the company of those who resemble the untrained

horses which desert their riders on the battlefield.                                                   (kural – 814)

It is better to avoid than to continue the evil friendship of those mean people

who offer no protection during adversity.                                                                 (kural – 815)

Don’t even dream of associating with people whose words and deeds do

not match.                                                                                                                  (kural – 819)

 

Other kinds of friendships to be avoided: In addition to those who are fair-weather friends and those who are undependable, Valluvar mentions five different kinds of people whose friendships should be avoided.

·         First, one should avoid the friendship of fools because it is just a waste of time, and there is no virtue in it.

·         Second, there are those who raise objections and put-up obstacles for things that can easily be accomplished.

·         Third, there are those who are very loving in private and ridicule their friends in public. 

·         Fourth, there are people who do not have good character.  They are likely to influence their friends and tempt them into bad habits and lead them towards immoral and/or illegal activities. Valluvar says, “Water takes the character of the soil through which it flows.  So also, men’s character changes with their associations (kural – 452).”  For example, it is not uncommon for youngsters to get into the habit of smoking, experimenting with drugs, or using alcohol due to the influence of their friends who have such afflictions.

·         Fifth, there are people who discourage their friends and curb their enthusiasm to accomplish their goals.

 

 The following five kurals explain how to deal with the friendships of these five different kinds of people.

The hatred of the wise is a million times better than the excessive intimacy

with a fool.                                                                                                                  (kural – 816)

Gradually abandon the friendship of those who create problems for

accomplishing tasks that can be easily performed.                                                   (kural – 818)

Avoid association with those who are nice to you in private and ridicule

you in public.                                                                                                               (kural – 820)

Even if a friend shows excessive love towards you, it is better to reduce the

Friendship with him, if he lacks good character.                                                        (kural – 811)

Do not entertain thoughts that would restrain your enthusiasm, and do not

have friendships with those who forsake you in adversity.                                       (kural – 798)

 

False friendships of the enemies and how to handle them

In the previous section, various aspects of evil friendships were discussed.  They are about existing friendships where one finds the decadent and wicked nature of his friends. Valluvar has described in detail the impact of such friendships and the need to avoid those kinds of friendships.  There are circumstances when an enemy with evil intentions acts like a friend for the specific purpose of inflicting harm.  For example, Judas acted like a close associate of Jesus and betrayed him. Nathuram Godse pretended like an ardent admirer and disciple of Mahatma Gandhi and shot him in close quarters.  Sometimes, a friend might turn into an enemy and continue his friendship hiding his enmity.  The Roman politician Marcus Julius Brutus, popularly known as Brutus, was a friend of the Roman Emperor Julius Caesar.  Brutus turned into an enemy and assassinated Julius Caesar. There are numerous other instances of enemies pretending to be friends for the specific purpose of hurting their friends.  Judging from Judas’ betrayal of Jesus and Brutus’ assassination of Julius Caesar, it appears that this type of evil behavior has been in existence for a long time.  This aspect of friendship did not escape the attention of Valluvar, who seems to have been a shrewd observer of human behavior.  He discusses the undesirable and false friendships of enemies and suggests ways to handle them.

 

Nature of enemy’s friendship: Valluvar uses an interesting metaphor to describe the false friendship of the enemies.  He says that it is like the anvil which supports the iron before it is beaten into shape or cut.  Sometimes, enemies may pretend like they are offering support while waiting for the right time to attack.  The kural is as follows:

The false friendship of an enemy is like an anvil to strike when the

opportunity is right.                                                                                                    (kural – 821)

 

Enemies may wear a smile on their faces and successfully hide their evil intentions.  They may speak nicely to give the impression of real friendship.  One should be careful not to trust someone’s word if there is any incompatibility in attitude or thinking.  When a bow is bent, it is an indication that it is being prepared to launch an arrow.  So also, when an enemy speaks sweet words, it is an indication of the enemy’s hidden intentions to inflict harm.  Even when someone has tears in his eyes, his hands may conceal a dangerous weapon.  In all these cases, one should be shrewd to distinguish between genuine friendship and false friendship of the enemy.

            If there is no accord in mind with someone, their words should

            not be trusted.                                                                                                            (kural – 825)

Even if the enemy speaks kind and pleasing words like a friend, his true

nature will be immediately identified (by those who are shrewd).                           (kural – 826)

Do not be deceived by the kind and courteous words of an enemy. They are

like the bending of the bow by the archer in preparation for launching an arrow.  (kural – 827)

The saluting hands of the enemy may be hiding a lethal weapon. So also are his

tears of sympathy.                                                                                                      (kural – 828)

 

In addition to the warnings about the enemy’s kind words and tears of sympathy, Valluvar also prescribes additional practical solutions to handle the enemies who pretend to be friends. He says that the associations with such enemies should be slowly and tactfully terminated.

Be superficially nice and terminate the friendship with those who feign to

 be very friendly outwardly and despise you in their heart.                                      (kural – 829)

When an enemy wants to be your friend, show external signs of friendship

and avoid real friendship.                                                                                           (kural – 830)

           

Importance of due diligence in the selection of friends

More than any other philosopher, Valluvar has emphasized the need for proactively analyzing the character of people with whom friendship is likely to be developed.   Valluvar says, “Once friendship is made, it cannot be easily abandoned, and therefore, it is important not to make friends indiscriminately (kural – 791).”  He warns that friendship made in a haphazard fashion leads to misery (kural – 792).  Therefore, before making friends, one should pay sufficient attention to the character, family background, personal shortcomings, and the close associates of the one with whom friendship is contemplated (kural – 793).  In addition to the importance of careful investigation before developing friendship, Valluvar also emphasizes the significance of cultivating friendships with those who can counsel with the right advice and avoid friendship with those who are likely to forsake during times of adversity. 

 

Examine and secure the friendship of wise and bold men who will counsel you

even if it hurts and rebuke you severely when you go astray.                                    (kural – 795)

Cherish as friends those who can remove present ills and guard against

future ones.                                                                                                                 (kural – 442)

 

Valluvar’s ideas about friendship are applicable to an ordinary individual as well as to a king (or a leader of a nation or organization).   When Valluvar talks about things that are very important for a king, he says. “The king who has an army, citizens, wealth, ministers, friends, and fortifications is a lion among kings (kural – 391).” Obviously, the implication of this kural is that the king who has a strong army, loyal citizens, sufficient wealth, efficient ministers, reliable friends, and effective fortifications is a lion among kings. Also, in the section on kingship, Valluvar emphasizes the need for a king to disassociate himself from evil people and maintain friendships with wise men who would give him the right advice and be helpful to him under all circumstances.  The impact of evil friendships and false friendships of enemies would have serious consequences for a king as well as for his kingdom. The advice for an individual to discontinue the evil friendship and the false friendship of the enemy is equally applicable to a king or a leader of a country. It is common practice among the nations of the world to align themselves with friendly nations so that they can help each other in case of an attack by a common enemy or catastrophic calamities.

 Valluvar’s in-depth understanding of human behavior and his analysis of the nature of friendships are truly amazing. Valluvar’s ideas on friendship are valid today as they were during his days, and they are likely to be valid in the future too. No wonder scholars like Dr. V. C. Kulandaiswami call the Kural “The Immortal Kural.”

 

Appendix – A

Damon and Pythias

Damon and Pythias were two intimate friends who were followers of the Greek philosopher Pythagoras.  They traveled to the Syracuse area, which was ruled by the tyrant Dionysius. Damon and Pythias plotted to overthrow the tyrant Dionysius. Pythias was accused of plotting against the tyrant Dionysius. As punishment for his crime, Dionysius sentenced Pythias to death.

Pythias accepted the punishment but requested that he be allowed to travel home to see his aging mother and settle his affairs at home. Dionysius thought that if Pythias were let go he would never return. So, he refused to grant Pythias’ request to go home. Damon offered to take his place while Pythias was gone. Dionysius agreed on the condition that, should Pythias not return when promised, Damon would be put to death in his place. Damon agreed, and Pythias was released.

Pythias did not return on the day he was supposed to, and Dionysius was preparing to execute Damon. But just as the executioner was about to kill Damon, Pythias returned. Pythias apologized to his friend for his delay and explained that he was captured by the pirates, and they threw him overboard, and he had to swim to the shore and came to Syracuse as quickly as possible. Dionysius was astonished by the friendship between Damon and Pythias, and he pardoned both. Based on this legend, true friendship between two people is called the “Damon and Pythias style friendship.”

 

Appendix – B

Koperunchozan and Picir Anthaiyaar

Tamil literature has an interesting reference to a friendship between a king and a poet who had never met each other. The king was Koperunchozan, who ruled the Chola kingdom during the 3^rd century AD.  The poet was Picir Anthaiyaar who lived in a town called Picir which was approximately 200 miles away from Uraiyur where king Koperunchozan lived.  Although the poet lived in Picir, which was in another country, he always thought that Koperunchozan was his king.  One day, somebody asked him who the king of his country was.  He replied as follows:

 

If you ask me who my king is, my king rules

a prosperous fine country where laborers drink

filtered, strong, aged liquor and eat cooked

tortoises without limits, their cheeks bulging

 with roasted eels, as they forget their

occupation and celebrate perpetual festivals.

He is enemy to the hunger of bards and their

suffering relatives. He is Koperunchozan of

 Uraiyur, friend of Pothi, with whom he has a

perfect friendship filled with laughter every day. 

                                                (Picir Anthaiyaar, Puranaanuuru – 212)

The king Koperunchozan had two sons. His sons wanted to overthrow the king and capture power from him. The king’s first reaction was to wage war against his sons. His advisors advised the king to stay away from waging war against his children. The advisor said that if the king were to lose in the war, it would be a shame, and if he were to win the war, he would have no heir to his throne. The king gave up the idea of war. But he was disgusted with the situation and wanted to commit suicide by fasting unto death. When he was on his deathbed, he was sure that his friend Picir Anthaiyaar would certainly visit him.  Other people around him were not so sure that Picir Anthaiyaar would really come to see the king. At that time, the king is supposed to have said the following:

They say that Piciran lives

in the southern king’s fine land
where a herder woman cooks a meal
with fork-eared pounded millet, pours
white curds with white velai flowers
that grow in profusion on the streets
strewn with cow dung,
and gravy with beautiful tamarind,
so that the avarai bean pickers may
eat them to their full.

He is one who nurtures my life!
When I was rich, he remained there!
He will not stay away in my time of pain!

                                    (Koperunchozan, Puranaanuuru – 215)

The poet Picir Anthaiyaar did come to see the dying king, and he also died along with him.  This is an example of true friendship that was based on their love and admiration for each other.