Valluvar
on Family
Dr.
R. Prabhakaran
The family has been the basic unit of human
society for the past several centuries. Although some attempts are being made
to redefine marriage and family during the past few decades, traditionally,
marriage means the union of a man and woman, and the family means a man
(husband), his wife, and their children living together in the same household.
An extended family could include the parents of the husband and the wife and
their close relatives.
Family life
A small number of people
have remained unmarried throughout the ages, and a few others renounced their
families and followed the ascetic way of life to pursue their spiritual goals.
However, most people have always lived and continue to live within the confines
of family units, and only very few have been bachelors and ascetics.
Traditionally, it has been the primary responsibility of the husband to
generate income for the family. It was expected of those who follow the family
life to support their relatives and those who are in need. Specifically,
Valluvar mentions eleven categories of people whom the householder is expected
to help. First, the most natural group of people who need the support of the
householder are his parents, wife, and children. Next are those who pursue the
ascetic lifestyle. The ascetics do not have any means of supporting themselves.
They depend upon the householders.
Then, there are those who
need support due to their poverty, and then there are those who are forsaken by
society for one reason or the other. Finally, there are five more groups of
people. They are the ancestors, gods, guests, relatives, and self. It was the
custom to remember and even worship the ancestors. If they had expressed their
desires, the householder is responsible for fulfilling them. Although the gods
are supposed to help the people, the temples where gods are installed may need
support for the maintenance and ongoing operations. During the days of
Valluvar, there were no hotels or other places where travelers could stay and have
their meals. It was customary for the families to provide lodging and boarding
for the travelers. The relatives and those who are helpful to the family need
support from the householder. Last but not least, the householder should take
care of himself. Only if the householder is healthy he can continue to support
others. In the following three kurals, Valluvar mentions these eleven
categories of people (parents, wives, children, ascetics, poor, desolate,
ancestors, gods, guests, relatives, and self) who need support from the
householder.
A man leading domestic
life is one who supports his parents, wife, and children.
(kural – 41)
A man leading domestic
life is the one who supports the ascetics, the needy, and the desolate. (kural – 42)
It is the primary duty of
the family man to support his ancestors, god, guests, relatives, and self. (kural – 43)
Supporting himself, his
family, and others is not easy. But that should not tempt the householder to
earn his living by unfair means. Valluvar says that the householder should earn
his living by following straightforward and honest means. By way of
encouragement to the householder, he says that if he earns his income by honest
means and shares his wealth with others, he and his descendants will always
prosper.
If a man earns his wealth
in a blameless manner and shares it with others, he and his descendants will
always prosper. (kural – 44)
Comparison of the family life and the ascetic way
of life
An ascetic is one who renounces this
world and seeks salvation so that he may either go to heaven or may not be born
again. However noble and lofty the ascetic’s goal and his pursuit may be, it is
still selfish on the part of the ascetic to seek salvation for himself. The
ascetic cannot help others to achieve salvation. Further, an ascetic has no
resources to help others in need. Asceticism is about the negation of life and
the world. Whereas the householder’s concerns are life and world affirmation.
Valluvar supports life and world affirmation. From his standpoint, the family
life of the householder is superior to the self-centered life of the ascetics.
He expresses strong support for the householder’s lifestyle.
If one leads a virtuous
family life, then what else can one gain by following other ways of life? (kural – 46)
He who leads his family
life the right way is superior to the ascetics who aspire for a better life in
the next world. (kural – 47)
The effort of he who guides
others to lead a virtuous life and leading a life that does not deviate from
virtue is more of a penance than the penance of the ascetics. (kural – 48)
Insistence on love, virtue, and lack of blame in
family life
Valluvar insists that
love and virtue are the essential elements of family life. If there is love in
family life, then there will be kindness and compassion towards other family
members and kith and kin. If virtue is there, then there will be purity in all
the words and deeds of the householder. Also, according to Valluvar, virtue
will result in several benefits in this birth as well as in future births.
Domestic life itself is a
virtue, especially If it is beyond the reproach of others. (kural - 49)
If family life has love
and virtue, then love will result in courteous and compassionate behavior, and
virtue will lead to benefits. (kural – 45)
Valluvar’s emphasis on
the importance of life on earth is evident from the following kural, where he
says that one who leads a family life the way it is supposed to be led will be
considered one among the gods. There can be no greater compliment than this for
a householder!
He who leads an ideal
life in this world will be ranked among the gods in heaven.
(kural – 50)
A good wife is a gift to a husband
Valluvar considers
husband and wife as partners in the family and their children as their asset.
In order for the family to be happy, successful, and respected by others, it is
necessary for each member of the family to be virtuous and follow societal
norms. The Tamil society to which Valluvar belonged has always considered
chastity an extremely essential virtue to be possessed by every woman. Although
society condoned the promiscuous behavior of male members, Valluvar strictly
condemned such behavior by men. He was against prostitution, adultery, and
extra-marital relationship. In fact, he says, “Like chastity in women,
greatness is found in a man only if he guards himself (kural – 974).” According
to Valluvar, chastity is something self-imposed. Others cannot protect a woman
and maintain her chastity by keeping her under house arrest or by watching her
all the time. She must have the courage of conviction in herself and resolve to
maintain her chastity. For a woman, chastity means not even thinking of other
men besides her lover or husband. Valluvar echoes the ideas of society when he
emphasizes the importance of chastity for a woman.
What greater treasure can there be than a
woman who has the strength of chastity?
(kural – 54)
Of what use is keeping a
woman under house arrest? A woman’s will is the best safeguard for her honor. (kural
– 57)
Chastity is only one of
the essential qualities of a woman. Valluvar mentions other qualities that an
ideal wife should possess. In addition to maintaining her chastity, a wife
should take care of her husband, ensure that the family’s good reputation is intact,
and work tirelessly towards the family members' welfare, happiness, and success.
She should also manage to live within the means of her husband.
One who never fails to protect herself while
tending to her husband and keeping the good name of the family and remaining
tireless is the ideal woman. (kural – 56)
A wife who possesses
virtues required for the family and spends within the means of her husband is
the ideal life partner. (kural – 51)
In the olden days, the husband was the sole
breadwinner for the family. In reality, it is not only the responsibility of
the wife to live within the means, it is also the responsibility of the
husband. In another context, Valluvar says, “The life of a spendthrift who does
not live within his means, though seeming to thrive, will perish without
leaving a trace (kural - 479).” So, living within the means is a common
objective for both partners of the family.
The Bible says, “Houses and wealth
are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the Lord (Proverbs
19:14).” Indeed, a good wife is an invaluable gift to her husband. If the wife
is good, then he has all the blessings in life. If the wife is not good, all
other things a man has are of no avail. A man’s well-being, happiness, and success
depend on his wife. As the old saying goes, “Behind every great/successful man,
there stands a woman.” A wife is truly the heart of the family. If the heart
fails to function, then other parts of the body automatically fail. So also, if
the wife does not possess the needed good qualities, then the family cannot be
successful. Valluvar’s emphasis on the importance of a good wife can be seen in
the following kurals.
If your wife does not possess the virtues
needed for married life, whatever else you possess in life is irrelevant. (kural – 52)
If the wife has all the
good qualities needed for family life, then what is it that the family does not
have? If she lacks those qualities, then what is it that the family has?
(kural - 53)
The success and pride of
a man depend on his wife. If the wife does not have good qualities, the family
will suffer, and it will not enjoy the respect of others. Valluvar says, “Those
men from families which do not have a good reputation cannot walk majestically
like a lion in front of his slanderers. (kural – 59).”
A good wife is a blessing
to her husband and the entire family. Having good children is an added blessing
to the husband and the wife. Valluvar says, “An excellent wife is a blessing to
the family, and good children are its precious jewels (kural-60).”
Children are the assets of the family
A family is incomplete
without children. The children’s innocence and playfulness add joy to the
family. The food that is all messed up with children’s little hands is sweeter
than ambrosia to their parents. The parents feel great joy when they feel their
children’s tender bodies. When young children begin to speak in broken
sentences, their meaningless babble is a source of great delight to their parents.
To the parents, their children’s babble is sweeter than the melodious music
from a musical instrument. Although we don’t know whether Valluvar had any
children of his own, his description of the activities of the children and the
parents’ joy makes us wonder whether they are his own personal experiences. The
relevant kurals are as follows:
The food stirred
playfully with the tiny hands of one’s children is sweeter than nectar.
(kural – 64)
Touching the children is
a joy to the parents. Hearing their words is a joy to the parents’ ears. (kural – 65)
Only those who have not
heard their children’s prattle will say that the music from the flute and the
lute is sweet. (kural – 66)
Parents feel that their
children are their real assets. As children grow up, the parents are interested
in their education. They are happy and feel blessed if they find out that their
children are intelligent. They are truly happy if their children turn out to be
smarter than themselves. In this context, it is interesting to note that
psychologists have observed that the IQ scores of each generation have been
higher than those of their parents over the past 100 years. This observation is
known as the Flynn Effect. So, it looks like we are smarter than our parents
but dumber than our children!
We
know of no greater blessing than having intelligent children. (kural – 61)
In
this world, everyone feels happy if their children are smarter than themselves.
(kural – 68)
Valluvar has an
interesting observation about the roles of a father and his son. He says that
it is the responsibility of the father to help his son to be in the front rows
of an assembly of scholars. In general, in any assembly, the people with
notable accomplishments to their credit will be seated in the front rows or on
the stage. In other words, a father’s responsibility is to educate his son and
encourage him to become an accomplished and talented individual. In return, it
is the son’s duty to become successful in his field so that people will admire
him for his accomplishments and wonder how fortunate his father is to have him
as his son.
The good thing a father
can do for his son is to prepare him for a prominent role in the assembly of
scholars. (kural – 67)
The way a son can help
his father is to make others exclaim, “What penance did this man’s father do to
deserve such a son like him?” (kural – 70)
It is not only the father
who will be proud of his son’s accomplishments. Mother will also be equally
proud of him. When a woman gives birth to a child, she goes through acute pain
and agony. But, when the child is born and when she hears his first cry, she
forgets her pain and suffering, and she is euphoric. When others say that her
son is a scholar and is perfect in all respects, the mother will feel much
happier than when she gave birth to him.
A mother feels more ecstatic
when she hears her son being praised by others as a scholar and a perfect
gentleman than when the son was born. (kural – 69)
Although Valluvar talks only about the son in
kural 69, his remarks are equally valid even in the case of a daughter.
Conclusion
Society consists of
families, and families consist of a husband, a wife, and their children. In
some cases, the family may also include other relatives. The husband has the
responsibility to earn and support his parents, wife, children, ascetics, poor,
destitute people, ancestors, gods, guests, relatives, and himself. The wife has
the responsibility to manage her household and live within the means of her
husband. In spite of the demands imposed by the roles and responsibilities of
the husband and the wife, love and virtue should be the guiding principles of
the family. A good wife is a true gift to the husband, and intelligent children
are a tremendous asset to the husband and the wife. It is a pleasure for the
parents to see, hear and touch their children. When the children turn out to be
more intelligent than them, the parents will be genuinely happy. It is the
father’s responsibility to educate his son, and it is the son’s responsibility
to become accomplished and successful so that others will wonder at the good
fortune of his father to have him as his son. It is not only the father who
will be proud of his son’s accomplishments. His mother will also be equally
happy. In fact, when others speak highly of her son, the mother will be happier
than when she gave birth to him. These days, whatever Valluvar says about the
son is applicable to the daughter too.
Valluvar emphasizes love,
virtue, hospitality, helping others, and education as the ideal values to be
pursued in a family. It is more than two thousand years since Valluvar wrote
the Kural. The fact that his ideas regarding the family are still valid is a
testament to his ageless wisdom.
